On Miscarriage

I never knew before I miscarried what it felt like. I never thought I would be in this position. Having my first two children was natural, and they came so quickly, I guess I just assumed the rest would be that way as well. Experiencing the excitement of finding out you are pregnant after hoping and waiting, and then the sadness and pain when you realize those hopes and dreams will not be fulfilled, stretches you. It is tragic. It hurts - deeply, painfully. Now I know what it feels like, twice now. Close together.

This time I handled it better though than last time, oddly enough. I still cried, a lot. It still hurt - but this time, I turned more quickly to God and felt love for Him and from Him. I don't know if it's because I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and now know it's ahead, or because I'm growing in my faith and humility and trust. Humility - yes, and faith, yes, and hope, yes, and charity. All of these lessons Father wants me to learn. Why does it require pain sometimes? I don't really know the answer - except that I understand someone else's pain now a little better. I understand the Savior's love a little better now, too.

What have I learned from this experience? I have learned to be grateful. So much more grateful for the miracle and precious gift of life. I look at my two little boys differently now. I always appreciated and loved them, but that love now is even deeper. What a precious gift is life - each day, each moment.

Learning to trust in God's timing too - I've seen His gentle hand guide me in a different direction before. I'm seeing it again. His path has always been higher, and better, and sweeter in the end - even though yielding to that has always required a little stretching of faith.

In the end - I love Him more. I know that His ways, are higher than my ways. I know that His love and light, is greater than mine. I know that I want that - and that's not going to be easy to get. It requires something. But that something is SO worth it. I know when I get to the other side, if I'm worthy to enter those pearly gates, I will say - is that all. Is that all that was required of me - for all of this?